10 Forsythia Grove
CORSETTSHIRE ZY6 4GT
My Dear Ralph
I hope this finds you well pet? And less in ‘happy valley’ mode? I had a little word with your General Practitioner in the interests of reducing what appeared to be the toxic overload of pharmaceuticals entering your bloodstream. What this (rather uppity) individual appears to be conceiving as a ‘therapeutic’ dose of nine different chemicals – all taken at the same time of day – is, in the words of the independent pharmacist I consulted, a clear case of iatrogenic medicine! In any event, I hope that you are seeing fewer baskets of kittens adorning a neighbouring roof? And that the visions of homeless teenagers littering the gravel outside are now gone?
I myself am recovering from my recent indisposition and I have managed to leave my mobility scooter behind in the garden shed. And, rather than engaging in the digging up of huge, and well-entrenched, Buddleias and the like, I am now imparting the (inestimable) benefit of my horticultural opinion to garden owners at large. My last case has involved a huge hedge apparently untouched by human hand for quite some centuries. It seems to mostly comprise hedging honeysuckle (Lonicera nitida), blackthorn and hawthorn and all three of these are amenable to renovation, i.e. they will grow back if cut back in drastic fashion. My proposal to the owner of this imposing structure is that we cut back only one side this autumn (the evergreen honeysuckle needs to keep on photosynthesizing all winter) and cut back the other side in the spring. And that, pet, (I hope you are concentrating!) will only leave the top to be cut in a year’s time.
Well, must dash dear. Amongst the (increasing) list of recent afflictions I seem to be suffering from is a bladder which needs to situated in close proximity to the nearest available toilet – at all times. This condition really is a pest but, luckily, I have been able to convince many garden owners that the quickest way to make compost is to frequently irrigate it with activator in the form of human urine!
You know Ralph. I must really write to you more often as it is most soothing to put pen to paper in this way, and a little smile is playing about my lips at this very moment.